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the best People jokes & one liners

We have compiled a categorized list of the best People jokes and one liners from your favorite comedians and around the web. Our hilarious People joke list is comprised of a wide range of topics including:

  • Brunette Jokes & One Liners
  • Blonde Jokes & One Liners
  • Lesbian Jokes & One Liners
  • Gay Jokes & One Liners
  • Redhead Jokes & One Liners

hilarious People jokes

Bill Burr on "Life as a Kid"
You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards -- just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.
Bill Burr on "Rednecks in Afghanistan"

Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- it'll scare the hell out of them.'

Bruce Bruce on "Bad Breath"

You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking -- 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'

Corey Holcomb on "Special Ed"

You know that special classroom back in grammar school? They've got them everywhere. You know, the special ed -- the room that only has, like, eight, nine kids in there; two of them are cross-eyed, one of them's got a real big head; go on a lot of field trips; all of them smell like pee.

Daniel Tosh on "Bad Test Takers"

Don't you love it when people in school are like, 'I'm a bad test taker.' You mean you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? I can totally relate see, because I'm a brilliant painter minus my god awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here but once paint hits canvas I develop Parkinson's.

Daniel Tosh on "Gays"

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Dave Chappelle on "The Ghetto"
I was taken to the ghetto once That's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild shit, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and shit. He's like, "Where you from, dog? D.C.? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up nigga? What? What the fuck, slow down, what? What the fuck? No! No! No! Fuck it, I'm on my way!" Boop. "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick."

At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say shit. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A fucking crackhead ran this way, tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and shit, tk-tk-tk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me.

At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a fucking limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a fucking baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either!" Click! Cllllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that shitt. But where is this limousine driver?"

As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the fuck are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, nigga!"
Deon Cole on "Wearing all White"

I don't trust nobody who wear all white neither. You ever see these people? They come out the house: all white jacket, all white shirt, all white belt, pants, shoes, socks. Who do you think you are that you not going to get dirty today? You that responsible today that you ain't going to lean on nothing and get dirty? I ought to kick you in your back and send you home.

Earthquake on "Kids"

I got kids -- got three kids: two of them mine, one of them don't look like me. I was gonna get a blood test, but that costs $2500. I said I'll wait 'til he falls down and cuts himself.

Jim Gaffigan on "Directions"

Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn -- some guy's like, 'Holland Tunnel!' You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you're wasting his time. 'Let's go, buddy -- Holland Tunnel!'

Mark Curry on "Talking To The Police"

Why do we talk like that to the police? Why do we come up with words we've never used? Suddenly we are Harvard graduates when we talk to the police. We super-educated: 'How you doin', officer? The reason I was exceeding the speed limit was due to the fact that I was trying to get down to the youth center so I could read and educate the kids on the extraordinary processes of the educational system of America. I know it's 3 a.m. I was trying to get a jump on the education so I could systematically control my universal. We can control their universe, so we could destroy the negative images of stereotypes brought to us by different elements or different factors in this universe.'

Mike Estime on "Finding God"

People always happen to find Jesus in jail, don't they? Especially on death row, that's when they really find Jesus, right there. I remember this lady in Texas -- she was trying to get out of this death execution, talkin' about, 'But I found Jesus! I did!' Well, bitch, now you gonna meet him.

Nick Swardson on "Grandmothers"

She'll be like, 'How was your day today?' And I'll be like, 'Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store -- this guy almost hits me, this cab almost hits me. I get there -- the movie I want is gone. They don't even have it. And the Yankees lost, it's going to rain -- it was like the worst day.

How was your day?' 'Well, I woke up, again. And my heart hurts when I breath. And another one of my friends died.' It's like, what do I say to that?

Sebastian Maniscalco on "Airport Dress Code"

What is going on at the airport? Could we put a dress code at the airport? It looks like a slumber party over there. Do people care what they look like anymore? They just come out now as-is. They must roll out of bed, and then they're at United.


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